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Crash-A-Rama

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This wasn’t intended to be all about one event, but it ended up that way!

So it’s a new year and I’m averaging one post every 18 days! Yeah! Since last post, I went to the greatest redneck event I’ve ever been to: Crash-A-Rama. Yes, I too feel it should be Crash-O-Rama, but oh well, what are ya gonna do? It took place on Black Friday, and was a million times better than shopping.

My local friend Brittany invited me, so I took a Greek friend, Nick, and a French friend, Jerome, to see what real redneck-white-trash looks like and to see the benefits of their genius. The event took place in a town called Bithlo, FL. It was at the speedway, which had a paved track that I figure is a half mile oval, and all dirt in the middle. Maybe there was grass, but it was all dirt by the end. We got the seats where the real fans go and even had to sign a waiver to get into those seats. Here’s what went down:

  • Oval race with demolition derby type of cars and much contact.
  • Pusher cars – One car isn’t running, its partner car pushes it, and a third car tries to separate the two.
  • Skid cars – Front wheel drive and skid plates instead of tires on the back.
  • Small demolition derby.
  • Boat trailer race – Trucks and cars towing boats and trailers. Last running guy towing something wins.
  • Camper trailer race – Same as above, but with camper trailers.
  • Figure 8 school bus race.
  • The Green Mamba.

I’m sure I missed some, but oh man, it was so awesome. There was a big truck called Fordzilla that was just exploding boats and camper trailers. He was doing it right, going fast and hitting everything he could. The school bus race was incredible. The race started with almost 20 school buses, some were full size with lights flashing, stop signs out, and all the bells & whistles. The first few laps are spent waiting to see the buses get spread out enough to possibly collide in the middle. And on the first chance of a collision came the best one of the night. The 2nd place bus and the last place bus hit and it flipped the 2nd place bus entirely over, landing nice and hard on its wheels!

There was so much awesomeness that I just can’t cover it all in here. Here is a link to a video of the bus race. Hopefully you can see that on Facebook.

The Green Mamba was this jet engine that pretty much had only a seat and four wheels attached to it. They brought it out and lit that exhaust ablaze. Behind the Mamba was one of those airport shuttle buses. The bus wasn’t there very long. It turned into a huge black plume of smoke that may still be floating up somewhere over the Atlantic.

It was an awesome, very cold, night of breathing in smoke, oil fumes, dirt, and all kinds of burnt metal and cheering with Florida’s finest camouflage-clad rednecks. Can’t wait to go back!

Turtles and Rockets

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The past few weeks here in Clermont have been pretty windy. We haven’t done a whole lot of quality wakeboarding, and it was starting to get a bit annoying. Then today happened.

2009-11-16In the past 24 hours, I haven’t been one bit too warm or cold and I’ve been mostly just wearing shorts the whole time. The wind has been almost non-existent, the air temperature is like a nice Oregon summer day and the water is a perfect refreshing temperature.

This is why I moved here. My work day consisted of going to work at 10am to cover Bob’s kitchen shift. I did a little emailing and sandwich making. I went for a wakeboard at lunch time and had some fun on the glassy lake. For the afternoon I coached four people and had a great time. Two new moves were landed and one rider landed a toeside 360, which he hadn’t done in a while.

Oh, to explain that title now. At lunch, I walked outside and noticed a big white jet stream to the east in the sky. Apparently a rocket or satellite had just launched from the Kennedy Space Center, cool! Then as we went out for the afternoon set of riding, I noticed a pair of turtles had crawled up on our boat lifts to do a little relaxing in the sun. Later on, I put the boat on a different lift, and the turtles decided it was in their best interest to plop into the water.

It was just an awesome relaxing day with some good wakeboarding. The forecast shows that more of this is to be expected. Awesome, can’t wait. Yay Florida!

Splinter

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Well, here tis, the long awaited butt splinter story. Be warned, this is a huge essay. At 1,429 words, it’s more than twice the length of any paper I wrote in college. Good luck.

How it Happened

Camp HoopEarly this summer, the basketball hoop in the driveway of my workplace got resurrected. I, of course, was very excited about it. I started shooting around on it a lot, and as anybody who has seen me play basketball knows, I have a hard time keeping my feet down on the ground. I was jumping around, putting the ball through the hoop in an aggressive manner while touching the goal so I could feel the texture of the metal hoop. Yes, dunking. Anyway, somebody threw me a great alley-oop, I grabbed it and performed a nifty little dunk. On the way down, I bumped into/slid down the support of the hoop, which happens to be a 6×6 un-sanded wood beam. I put this picture up to give you an idea of said hoop.

I noticed some pain, so I looked at my shorts. They had been punctured by a pretty good sized splinter. I gave it a good tug and it came out after some struggle. There was no blood that I could see, so I figured that was all the damage and that I just felt some pain from slamming into a 90 degree wood edge.

The Discovery

Hours later at home in the evening time, I noticed the pain hadn’t receded as much as I figured it should. I dropped trou in the bathroom and took a look at my right butt cheek. Sure enough, there was the tip of what looked like a thick splinter. I got the tweezers out, grabbed hold of the tip and pulled it out. It was a little chunk of wood about a quarter inch long and maybe the thickness of two toothpicks.

That was pretty awesome. I figured with the size of the earlier splinter and the one I just removed from myself, that there could surely be no more in there. Although, when pushing around on my cheek to feel if there was more in there, I noticed a line of firmer feeling tissue straight in past the entry point. To help ease your mind, the hole in my cheek was small and clean, nothing gory. I thought that maybe the firmer feeling area was puss already forming to push out the splinter or something or maybe a smaller piece had been pushed deeper into the cheek. Either way, I figured I’d wait it out since there seemed to be nothing I could do about it.

The Festering

Luckily, the placement of the injury to my right butt cheek was in a great spot. It didn’t hurt at all when I sat down or during normal activities. It did hurt when anything pushed against it though, which happened quite a bit when I’d crash while wakeboarding, or while getting sexually harassed by my female coworkers. This started to get annoying, and I wasn’t noticing any changes to my injury, except that the entry point never bled and hadn’t closed up. Yes, I had two holes in my butt at this point. The joke possibilities from here on out just become endless.

About a week after I got the wound, I had a 24 hour drive up to Quebec there in French Canada land. I have pretty basic medical insurance and I’m also pretty fascinated by how the human body takes care of itself, so I didn’t worry too much about seeking professional help. I figured something would work out and it was time to hit the road!

The drive was fine, there was no pain even from sitting for many many hours. A few days into my week long stay in Canada, the story began to take a fun, gross turn.

Warning: This is where the story gets a bit ugly for those of you with weak stomachs.

During showers, I routinely pushed from the back of the swollen line to the entry point to try to encourage whatever was in there to come out. One shower in Canada finally produced something. Not a splinter, but some pretty awesome white thick puss. I got pretty excited because I had began to think I may have to live with this for the rest of my life. Now I had a sign that my second butthole may one day close up!

Back in the USA

After a few days, the puss was followed by blood, and I could get a pretty good crop of goo about once a day. My Canada trip ended, and I flew back to Florida. The first shower I took when I got home was one of the most exciting times I’ve ever had while being naked by myself (I chose my words carefully to let your mind do things you don’t want it to do).

The previous couple of times I pushed on my cheek, I noticed the production of goo had slowed down. I hoped this meant that the wood inside was getting closer to emerging. Sure enough, in this first shower back, I was pushing away and I saw something dark and brown peeking out of the hole in my butt! I grabbed the tweezers and pulled another splinter out pretty much identical to the original one from a couple weeks earlier. I was hollering and laughing and screaming aloud in merriment. I was so excited to finally have it come to an end!

I set the splinter on the bathroom counter top, and went back to sliding my thumb along the entry line to make sure it was all out. Just a few slides into that one, another splinter of the same size came sliding out, no tweezers needed! This was awesome, it barely hurt, and more wood than I imagined was leaving my body. So I kept repeating the process. I tweezed the next one and after that one more slid out just from my thumb’s pressure.

By now I was kind of getting cramped up a little from twisting to focus on that part of my body and had been in the shower for a while. I pushed more and got no more results. That was a lot more wood than I ever imagined was in there. I was relieved and had a great story to tell, complete with evidence.

Later that Night

That evening, my co-workers were all gathered at a house hanging out. I joined in and socialized for a while, telling people about my story and having good times. About an hour after I got there, I found that the hole I was digging at earlier in the day was making it really uncomfortable to sit. This hadn’t happened before, so I was a bit concerned. I took off and went straight to my bathroom again. I was in a hurry to figure this out, so I just hopped up to the sink and pulled my pants down enough to see what was up.

I didn’t even need to push this time, I saw a good sized splinter tip ready to evacuate. So I grabbed the tweezers again and began pulling. Now, I’ve never had any nasal surgery, but I’ve seen those things they shove up in the nose after a deviated septum surgery, and I’ve heard about how it feels when they finally get pulled out. This wasn’t quite that awesome, but closer to that than I would’ve guessed. I began sliding and it went quite a bit longer than the others. I started hollering “Yeah! Whoa!” and out came a piece that was about 1 1/4 inches long. Part of it was much thicker than the others, maybe as thick as three of them bundled together.

I felt pretty relieved and that pain was gone.

The Aftermath

Days later, I kept pushing on the splinter path and nothing was coming out. No puss, blood, or wood. The pain was all gone, and I figured it was all over. Now that it’s been about 5 months, I can safely say it’s all out of me. The hole closed up pretty quickly after that last mega splinter came out, and is now just a little dot to remind me of the fun times.

Here are some pictures for your enjoyment! I didn’t keep the original one that came out, so all in all, there was a total of about four inches of wood in my butt. Don’t worry, I wasn’t into it, I’m still into the ladies.

Splinters in HandSize Compared to Pocket KnifeLength of Splinters

Remodeling

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Hey there sucka. BillyStyle’s got a new look! I just picked this theme off of a random theme type of site, looks a bit different. I’m not sure about the whole beige-ness of it, but for now I dig it. The site is a bit of a mess at the moment, but I’ll try to get it sort of back to being linked up and imaged up as it used to, but I did this without backing up a whole lot of stuff, so we’ll have some changes!

Anyway, I plan on updating this more. I think I’ve said that about five other times in the past, we’ll see if it sticks this time. Til next post, peace out.

Greetings from July

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– It’s hot in Florida! Last week hovered around 100 degrees Fahrenheit with 80-90% humidity, but no rain to cool us down. We’re in our busy season now, and we’ve all been spending many hours on the boat. The shallow lakes here are currently right up around 90 degrees, which can be a bit uncomfortable. Now, I’m not complaining one bit. Three years ago I was one of many people stuck in a big dirty warehouse moving huge heavy boxes of furniture to a new huge clean, but still really hot, warehouse in Southern Utah. Man that sucked.

So life is good here in Florida. I’ve noticed that with the weather and my current financial situation, I’ve gradually toned up and my body is in pretty good shape. See, I figure it’s the weather and money I have to credit my shape to because I wakeboard more with nice weather and eat less when I have no money. It’s a pretty sweet deal really.

– Right now, I’ve still got this site hosted in St. George, and something happened a while ago that messed things up. I’m kind of tired of pestering them to fix things, and I feel bad about it because I’m not paying for it, since I used to work for the company. I say this because I can’t upload any images right now, which means you have to wait a bit longer to see the splinters that I took out of my butt last month. They’re pretty awesome.

So yeah, I’m going to move this site to another server I use for my other sites at Bluehost. Yep, that’s an affiliate link right there. If you don’t know what that means, don’t worry about it. If you do know what that means, can ya blame me? They’re good and I could use a buck!

– Anyway, this NBA offseason has been pretty sweet for my teams (yes, I consider Orlando my #2 team these days). Orlando dropped Turkoglu, Lee, and Alston then picked up Vince Carter, Brandon Bass, Matt Barnes, Ryan Anderson, and managed to keep Marcin Gortat, yeah! They’re bigger and badder than before, and I like that.

Portland stayed pretty inactive, although there were lots of talks of moves. They got some young guys I know nothing about, gave away Sergio (no more sweet Spain to Spain alley-oops, bummer) but then got Andre Miller! The dude is the best point guard in the league to never really accomplish anything. He’s a career 14 point, 7 assist, 4 rebound point guard who can post up and has a great knowledge of the game. Word on the world wide web is that Oden is looking pretty good at the moment too. Magic/Blazers finals? Well, maybe in 2011. Shaq might get one more this year.

OK BYE!

Sunsets in Florida

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Hey friend(s)! Not sure if anybody is still checking here from time to time. I’ve realized that maybe at least once a week, while outside around sunset, I say to myself “I love Florida.” It’s awesome here. I finally know why sunsets are so great here. There are two contributing factors. The whole peninsula thing provides plenty of sweet clouds and good storms for the sun to turn pink, purple, red, orange, yellow, and all that good stuff. When the colors show up, you don’t have to go far to see a lake reflecting all those colors, so you get blitzed with color; it’s awesome.

This morning was pretty fun. We shot a new ad for The Wakeboard Camp. We had around 16 people out behind the boat at the same time. The boat struggled to pull everyone up on their wakeboards, but eventually it worked out. The number got whittled down to 11, and I was one of the fallen. I had chosen to bring a wakeskate out for the experiment, and it proved to just hold everybody back due to the small surface area. Shucks! The ad should be showing up in wake magazines later this summer.

You may notice a new link on the side: Explosions and Boobs. It’s possibly the greatest idea for a website ever. And yes, it’s work safe.

Finally, spinning is winning here in Clermont! People are landing all kinds of new rotation based moves on their shred-sticks. Sweet as!

Splinters and Passports

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So I’m planning on going to Canada. It will be my first time leaving the continental 48 states. Sweet ay? It still may not happen though, and if it does, I may struggle to get back. Let me explain. I’ve never had a passport, and didn’t even think of documentation I’d need to get into the Great White North. So last week I ordered my birth certificate, then yesterday I signed up for a passport. I got it expedited, so I should get it within 3 weeks. I think I only need my license and birth certificate to get into Canada, but thanks to a new law as of 2 days ago, I may need a passport to get back in. So my plan is to have people here mail me the thing when it arrives.

We’ll see how that all pans out. I’m driving up there with Cam, my French-Canadian friend in a little, shoot, can’t remember, I think it’s a little Toyota something or other. I’m pretty sure it will be fine, but it’s a 24 hour drive. About the first 20 hours are up the US East coast. I plan on trying out a big ol’ Georgia peach.

Next on the docket is my butt. On Monday this week, I was shooting some hoops in the driveway of work, and I had a run in with the pole that is erecting the backboard and hoop and all that. The story at least starts out kinda cool, because I just recently started getting my legs back and I had a pretty good dunk. On the way down from the dunk, my right butt cheek slid down the wood 6×6 or whatever size pole it is. I took some of the pole with me.

Some good sized splinters made it through my shorts, and I couldn’t quite tell at the time if they made it inside of me too or not. I pulled some out of my shorts and went on with trying to be like Rex Chapman and all was well.

Later that night, after eating dinner, I was brushing my teeth and decided to check out the wound. There was a nice little hole (yes, I just made reference to a butt hole, but not that hole). I picked at it to see if there was anything in there, and a couple minutes later, tweezed out a splinter about twice the thickness of a toothpick and about a half inch long.

That was all fine and dandy, but probably 2 inches past that, I could feel another hard object about the same size deep under my skin. Apparently more wood got crammed way up in there (this is sounding more homo-erotic, not so cool) in my butt. Luckily it’s just the cheek, so no vital organs or veins or anything.

Now it’s a couple days later, and it hurts a bit there. I should probably go to a doctor, but I’ve got weak insurance, and I’m curious to see what my body will do to try to get rid of that thing.

So in a few days I’m off to Canada with some wood in my butt cheek and no passport. Sweet!