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I Don’t Like Surfing

4

Most people who know me would assume I’d enjoy surfing. My passion is wakeboarding, I even moved to Florida to teach people how to wakeboard, I ride all the time, teach many people, and love the sport. Wakeboarding naturally gets associated with surfing. In fact, most wakeboarders who have surfed seem to really enjoy it as well as wakeboarding. Not me.

Now it’s true, I haven’t really given it a full chance, but I feel that with the little time I’ve put into it, surfing will never be something I’ll want to do on my own free will.

Surfing

The best use of a surf board.

Here’s why.

As a wakeboarder, especially an instructor in central Florida, I am very lucky to have access to many perfect wakeboard boats. The lakes here couldn’t be better for the sport, the water is usually flat, you can ride year round, and I usually ride with people at least as good as me, if not much better. I’m no slouch, but I coach the women’s World Champion, and am friends with many of the best in the sport. Yes, I’m very lucky, and I love it!

Those boats put out a perfectly shaped, massive, and consistent wake. I can ride that for as long as my body can take it. I don’t have to chase that wake, all I have to do is hold onto the handle at the end of the rope and enjoy! When I crash, I can catch my breath, relax, and wait to get picked up again for another perfect wake. I get to jump high in the air, do spins, flips, and grabs, and I know I can count on the wake to be there for me every time. And all of this takes place in pleasant fresh water.

Now let’s look at surfing.

This last time I joined a friend to try surfing went like this. I spent about ten minutes paddling out into the waves. I’m in Florida, so they weren’t very large waves, but it still took me a while because I didn’t know what I was doing, and I was in the ocean with waves pushing against me. Once I got to where it looked like I might be able to catch a wave, I tried to figure out the best way to do that. True, I have no training, but I’m comfortable standing on the water at least. I managed to “catch a wave” fairly quickly, but the whole time I was moving back toward the beach, I was considering crashing so I could save some paddle time on the way back out.

Each glorious wave I caught lasted less than ten seconds (yeah, I’m not good at it), and with salt water in my sinuses and back of my throat, I would spend another five to ten minutes paddling back out into the waves in hopes of awkwardly standing on a big slow board for a few seconds with no chance of jumping or doing any tricks.

I mentioned that I was with a friend. That was fun because we paddled out together for about two minutes, then he was much further out than me, and we were too far apart to even see each other for the rest of the hour and a half or so.

So to sum it up, I wakeboard in fresh water with big wakes and nice boats where I get to do all the tricks I can think to try. All my effort goes into actually standing on the water, moving around and getting up in the air. When I surf, it’s paddling into nasty salt water waves trying to push me backwards for about 98% of the time, then getting pushed back to the shore the other 2% of the time. Yes, to me, surfing equals getting pushed back to shore so you can get another great paddling workout…all with nasty salt water in every part of your body.

Oh, and one last thing, even wake surfing is terrible.

The Media is Evil

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Yep, that’s one common idea with which I agree. Lately, all the fuss is about the two people killed by police, Michael Brown and Eric Garner. In each case the cop was white and the person killed was black. They are terrible things that happened. Everybody has an opinion on something to do with those events. I’m going to spare you my thoughts on the cases directly, and talk about something else; the media, and they couldn’t be more thrilled that these deaths occurred in such a way.

When I say the media, I mean the news (all forms, TV, print, web, radio) and sitcoms. Over the past decade or so, these so called criminal justice shows (or Informative Murder Porn as South Park more accurately calls them) have become ridiculously popular. I think there are about 30 of them currently running, possibly more, who even knows! I hate them. All they do is glorify murder. I don’t care if you think they are interesting because of the creative way these actors solve crimes by enhancing security camera footage and collecting semen. They simply put the idea that murder is a common, and even acceptable, thing into the minds of the viewers. That’s my first point: the media loves murder because it makes them money.

ABC's promotion of murder and racism.My second point is that racial issues are still existent because the media tells us we should be racist. They love that stuff! In my life, as far as I can recall, nothing racist has ever happened in front of my own eyes. Now, I’m pretty ignorant at times, and may have missed something, but if I never saw or heard any media, I wouldn’t know there was such a thing as racism. I’ve lived in Oregon, New York, Utah, and Florida. If racism is as common as it’s made out to be, I think I would run into it weekly. I don’t.

I’m not saying there isn’t racism, there surely is still some today. What I’m saying is that it’s a tiny percentage of people who have darkness in their hearts that are racist. Most people are good by nature, it’s true. I don’t necessarily care for most people, but they are generally good, and want to do others no harm.

All of this brings me to the fact that the media is pushing and working hard to ensure that racism and murder don’t go away. Why? They are getting filthy stinking rich from both of those things. See that picture there? Those are two new shows, in 2014, yes, 2014, that encourage murder and racism. They are on ABC, a major network that airs on any TV for free, and in this time of equal opportunity and topical awareness, they are promoting murder and racism. Is there any other way to look at it? I have no idea what either show is about, but from the ads, I suppose one is informative murder porn, and the other is a comedy.

I don’t care what kind of shows they are because it doesn’t matter. If it’s on TV, people will watch it. When people watch anything, their mind thinks about those things more than normal. When people have thoughts in their minds, they act more toward those thoughts. It’s how we work, it just is. So if you’re watching a show about getting away with murder and about how black people are different, or “blackish” your mind will have those thoughts. ABC and all other media understand this, of course they do. They also understand that it makes them rich. They don’t care how it affects viewers, only that it makes them more money. That’s the name of the game. See how far you can push it and let the money roll in. It’s not right.

Can’t Smell Anything

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I’ve had this cold for about 10 days now. It’s been a bit of a doozy. It started off quite mellow, but has intensified with age. Usually with my colds, the first couple of days are pretty bad, then they really mellow off after that.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because for the past 5 days or so, I haven’t had my sense of smell intact. While I imagine life would be a drab place with no smell, losing that sensation for a week or so has proven to be kind of handy, although I know I could be taking fuller advantage of my new power.

lossofsmellSome of the benefits of having no sense of smell is that I can try just about any food and be pleased. This is the biggest one I haven’t taken full advantage of yet. I suppose I could put horseradish on my waffles this morning for breakfast, and have no real problem with it. It’s a shame I haven’t been invited to any dinners by terrible chefs lately. I did have some food off the grill that I assume was very good. One of the items was grilled beets. I’ve never tried them before, and I still kind of feel like I haven’t yet tried them. The texture was fine, just like a more firm grilled potato chunk.

See, when I eat now, I mostly pay attention to textures. I had some desserts, and enjoyed them because of the cake/creamy like textures. Now, another cool thing about this is that I’m learning how my taste buds work. We all know that smell is a big part of tasting food, but man, I didn’t realize just how much before now. When I eat sweet things, I can feel the sweetness on my tongue. It just happens along the sides, in the rear two thirds of my tongue. No sweetness in the front or middle.

Sweet is the strongest taste feeling I get. I can just barely pick up anything salty. I haven’t really pinpointed where I can feel that on my tongue. I do feel some bitterness right at the back of the tongue, but it’s also not as strong as the sweetness.

So anyway, I thought I’d share my fun on here. My main concern while this lasts, is that my house doesn’t smell like something died inside. I also have been showering myself, and brushing my teeth a little more carefully, as I can’t taste bad breath, or smell if I need to put on a bit more deodorant.

Oh, last thing, that picture is one I found after I searched for images of “loss of smell.”

Just Buy a New One

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Nothing says “I don’t know anything about personal cleanliness or managing my money” more than a soap dispenser that squirts watery soap mess all over your hands, wrists, and counter top when you stand at the sink of somebody’s bathroom, only wishing to practice good hygiene.

My philosophy is that it’s worth the money to just buy a new one. This goes with many things like such as (see what I did there?) most toiletries (bar soap, toothpaste, etc.), car tires (learned that one the hard way), and um, well right now I’m running short, feel free to help out in the comments.

Back to hand soap.

Seriously, it’s so much harder to get the hands clean with watered-down hand soap. You have to pump a lot more times, you are guaranteed to make a mess all over the counter, and you leave without really feeling like you have clean hands. All for what? Maybe saving a quarter per year? Maybe a dollar if you go crazy with it? Hand soap is crazy cheap, just buy a new one.

false unitSo, me being who I am, I searched the old INTERNETS for some pictures or something on this phenomenon. Apparently, you could kill somebody by adding tap water to your hand soap. Yep, it’s murder. See, tap water in soap can be a nice place for pseudomona bacteria to grow, which is the subject of this lovely picture. Psuedomona means false unit, which is totally awesome. It can lead to some sort of nasty bacterial infection, which could possibly lead to problems bad enough to kill people who already suffer from serious health problems like diabetes. Here’s the nitty gritty.

If you have a hard time believing that, take a glass of tap water and let it sit for a week then take a drink. You wouldn’t want to do that right? Yeah, not so good. So if you add tap water to your soap to save a penny or two at hygiene’s expense, you’re actually throwing hygiene right out the window and just smearing bacteria all over your hands. Nice work frugal idiot.

Just go to your local dollar store and get a new supply that will last you many months anyway (since you add water to soap, I assume you don’t respect hand-washing and probably skip that whole scene after just taking a leak, you dirty bugger).

And finally, I just played a game online against somebody named Gerd Hums.

End of line.

Honk

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Again, this is another non-butt update. I’m still mid-healing process. I find it’s better to let the thing heal up so I can post the whole story. Just a little more time.

Something I’ve noticed over the years is how careful you need to be when using your horn while driving. I learned to really appreciate the power of the horn when I lived in New York for a couple of years. People there are very quick to let you know if you are slowing down the flow of traffic.

Honk!I figure there are three types of honks: friendly “hello” honks, heads up honks, and straight up rage/anger honks. I drive a 1999 F-150, which has one of the best stock horns in all the automotive world. It’s got about three or four different horn tones at once, and they are all loud and abrasive. That means I can really lay on the rage/anger honk, but need to use some precision on the other honks. There is a fourth “honk” but that doesn’t involve a car, my friends Didi and Dotti would understand.

Friendly “Hello” Honk: This one has to happen in quick little taps. It must be at least two honks, and can be probably no more than four. Any less and you sound like you’re a bit mad or something. More on this in the next part.

Heads Up Honk: This almost has to be two quick little honks. The reason it needs to be two though is something I learned a bit ago.

There was a weird turning lane situation where I was going to turn left, and a car was rolling toward me in the same turning lane waiting to merge with my oncoming traffic. I turned in a bit earlier that I should have I guess, so I tried to give two quick Hey I’m here honks, but I girly-pressed the second honk and it had no sound. I think that sent the wrong message. I ended up going back to my right, into my previous lane and driving around the other car. The large woman in there didn’t look too pleased with me. I was honestly just trying to avoid a crash, and she thought I was mad at her or something. Kinda dumb.

Rage/Anger Honk: This is my favorite, especially with my horn. This one you kind of arch your back, get your shoulders right in there digging into your seat back and fully extend your arm, getting plenty of pressure on the palm of your hand pushing deep into the horn. I prefer to go for at least 3 seconds, sometimes for up to 6 or 7 seconds to really let it set in.

Here’s my best use of this horn. At an intersection years back, I was stopped at a stop sign. I was set to turn left, and there were a few cars lined up across from me at another stop sign wanting to go straight through the intersection. So, the first car had the right of way. I let him go, and in this intersection, we weren’t exactly head on, we were shifted further to each others’ right than usual. So I started rolling out to get my left turn in quickly so the second car at the sign wouldn’t have to wait too long.

Well, that car’s driver didn’t feel it was necessary to stop, and I’m not somebody who likes to be disrespected like that. I had mostly made my turn, so I was nose-to-driver-side of this car. I laid on that horn buddy! The guy gave me a “Hey it’s cool that I just cut you off” wave, and I held the horn, with eye contact, until that wave turned into him showing me his longest finger. Yep, classy move buddy.

That got me to laugh pretty loudly. My horn has the effect of making people feel panic, which I love to watch happen. I don’t know, I’m a nerd and I love to kind of let people know how I feel about them.

This post is kind of lame, yeah, but it had to be put out there. People, use your horns! It’s a lot of fun, but be careful to not make them sound to angry. Even on the small taps, you’ve got to put some muscle into it, or you’ll just be awkwardly pushing on your steering wheel only to have nothing happen.

So get out there and start honking! Oh, also, don’t honk when you’re picking somebody up at their house. Seriously, be a decent human and go knock on their door. Maybe send a text. Just don’t sit out there and lay on your horn, so inconsiderate! OKBYE

Things

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Hello there internet people. Spring is here and it feels summer-ish in Central Florida. We’ve been busier than expected at the good old Wakeboard Camp, which is pretty sweet. I can’t remember if I’ve put it on here before or not, and am too lazy to check, but I’ve noticed a funny thing that happens when you work somewhere you enjoy. I end up spending at least three or four more hours a day at work than I am scheduled to work. A lot of that is because I go ride with my fellow coaches, but I also end up just hanging out with the people there.

We get people from all over, so it’s fun to hang out with them. It’s kind of like I’m going to different little hang out spots all over the world, but it always happens about three minutes away from my house. Kind of a neat thing. Just in the past month, we’ve had people from probably seven or eight different countries.

A theory I’ve recently concocted is that many Californians seem to think that California is not one state, but two: Southern California and Northern California. I would add to this that those same folks are unaware that California doesn’t actually end just to the North of San Francisco and Sacramento, but continues on for about another 250 miles or so to the North.

To me, it makes more sense to call the San Fransisco area Central California. Maybe they don’t know what California looks like, I’m not sure. Pay attention though next time you’re around a group of people from California.

Other than that, I’m still me, still riding sideways on the water, still rocking and rolling. Until next time, be excellent to each other!

Steroid Season

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Has anybody noticed this? For the past handful of years, Major League Baseball seems to have two seasons: Baseball Season and Steroid Season. There is no off season, which is a shame, because baseball just doesn’t quite cut it anymore.

There were a few years where I was into baseball, then I completely lost interest. That’s fine that it’s something that people enjoy, I can understand that people have different tastes than me. What I do have a problem with though, is the media’s infatuation with the soap opera that is now pro baseball. I am a fan of the NBA and NFL, and other pro sports, so I check ESPN’s website often. Baseball stories take up possibly half of the front page stories. They cover a couple dozen sports, and pro baseball hogs the attention for some reason.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that nobody really seems to care about the integrity of the game. They seem to solely be interested in the gossip of the whole thing. If this doping problem were to happen on such a large scale in any other sport, people would say the league is a joke and attendance would severely suffer. But baseball is America’s past time! So who cares that it’s filled with a bunch of cheaters, I can still go to the game and get drunk and pick a fight, woo!

That was dumb. The end.