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Splinter

14

Well, here tis, the long awaited butt splinter story. Be warned, this is a huge essay. At 1,429 words, it’s more than twice the length of any paper I wrote in college. Good luck.

How it Happened

Camp HoopEarly this summer, the basketball hoop in the driveway of my workplace got resurrected. I, of course, was very excited about it. I started shooting around on it a lot, and as anybody who has seen me play basketball knows, I have a hard time keeping my feet down on the ground. I was jumping around, putting the ball through the hoop in an aggressive manner while touching the goal so I could feel the texture of the metal hoop. Yes, dunking. Anyway, somebody threw me a great alley-oop, I grabbed it and performed a nifty little dunk. On the way down, I bumped into/slid down the support of the hoop, which happens to be a 6×6 un-sanded wood beam. I put this picture up to give you an idea of said hoop.

I noticed some pain, so I looked at my shorts. They had been punctured by a pretty good sized splinter. I gave it a good tug and it came out after some struggle. There was no blood that I could see, so I figured that was all the damage and that I just felt some pain from slamming into a 90 degree wood edge.

The Discovery

Hours later at home in the evening time, I noticed the pain hadn’t receded as much as I figured it should. I dropped trou in the bathroom and took a look at my right butt cheek. Sure enough, there was the tip of what looked like a thick splinter. I got the tweezers out, grabbed hold of the tip and pulled it out. It was a little chunk of wood about a quarter inch long and maybe the thickness of two toothpicks.

That was pretty awesome. I figured with the size of the earlier splinter and the one I just removed from myself, that there could surely be no more in there. Although, when pushing around on my cheek to feel if there was more in there, I noticed a line of firmer feeling tissue straight in past the entry point. To help ease your mind, the hole in my cheek was small and clean, nothing gory. I thought that maybe the firmer feeling area was puss already forming to push out the splinter or something or maybe a smaller piece had been pushed deeper into the cheek. Either way, I figured I’d wait it out since there seemed to be nothing I could do about it.

The Festering

Luckily, the placement of the injury to my right butt cheek was in a great spot. It didn’t hurt at all when I sat down or during normal activities. It did hurt when anything pushed against it though, which happened quite a bit when I’d crash while wakeboarding, or while getting sexually harassed by my female coworkers. This started to get annoying, and I wasn’t noticing any changes to my injury, except that the entry point never bled and hadn’t closed up. Yes, I had two holes in my butt at this point. The joke possibilities from here on out just become endless.

About a week after I got the wound, I had a 24 hour drive up to Quebec there in French Canada land. I have pretty basic medical insurance and I’m also pretty fascinated by how the human body takes care of itself, so I didn’t worry too much about seeking professional help. I figured something would work out and it was time to hit the road!

The drive was fine, there was no pain even from sitting for many many hours. A few days into my week long stay in Canada, the story began to take a fun, gross turn.

Warning: This is where the story gets a bit ugly for those of you with weak stomachs.

During showers, I routinely pushed from the back of the swollen line to the entry point to try to encourage whatever was in there to come out. One shower in Canada finally produced something. Not a splinter, but some pretty awesome white thick puss. I got pretty excited because I had began to think I may have to live with this for the rest of my life. Now I had a sign that my second butthole may one day close up!

Back in the USA

After a few days, the puss was followed by blood, and I could get a pretty good crop of goo about once a day. My Canada trip ended, and I flew back to Florida. The first shower I took when I got home was one of the most exciting times I’ve ever had while being naked by myself (I chose my words carefully to let your mind do things you don’t want it to do).

The previous couple of times I pushed on my cheek, I noticed the production of goo had slowed down. I hoped this meant that the wood inside was getting closer to emerging. Sure enough, in this first shower back, I was pushing away and I saw something dark and brown peeking out of the hole in my butt! I grabbed the tweezers and pulled another splinter out pretty much identical to the original one from a couple weeks earlier. I was hollering and laughing and screaming aloud in merriment. I was so excited to finally have it come to an end!

I set the splinter on the bathroom counter top, and went back to sliding my thumb along the entry line to make sure it was all out. Just a few slides into that one, another splinter of the same size came sliding out, no tweezers needed! This was awesome, it barely hurt, and more wood than I imagined was leaving my body. So I kept repeating the process. I tweezed the next one and after that one more slid out just from my thumb’s pressure.

By now I was kind of getting cramped up a little from twisting to focus on that part of my body and had been in the shower for a while. I pushed more and got no more results. That was a lot more wood than I ever imagined was in there. I was relieved and had a great story to tell, complete with evidence.

Later that Night

That evening, my co-workers were all gathered at a house hanging out. I joined in and socialized for a while, telling people about my story and having good times. About an hour after I got there, I found that the hole I was digging at earlier in the day was making it really uncomfortable to sit. This hadn’t happened before, so I was a bit concerned. I took off and went straight to my bathroom again. I was in a hurry to figure this out, so I just hopped up to the sink and pulled my pants down enough to see what was up.

I didn’t even need to push this time, I saw a good sized splinter tip ready to evacuate. So I grabbed the tweezers again and began pulling. Now, I’ve never had any nasal surgery, but I’ve seen those things they shove up in the nose after a deviated septum surgery, and I’ve heard about how it feels when they finally get pulled out. This wasn’t quite that awesome, but closer to that than I would’ve guessed. I began sliding and it went quite a bit longer than the others. I started hollering “Yeah! Whoa!” and out came a piece that was about 1 1/4 inches long. Part of it was much thicker than the others, maybe as thick as three of them bundled together.

I felt pretty relieved and that pain was gone.

The Aftermath

Days later, I kept pushing on the splinter path and nothing was coming out. No puss, blood, or wood. The pain was all gone, and I figured it was all over. Now that it’s been about 5 months, I can safely say it’s all out of me. The hole closed up pretty quickly after that last mega splinter came out, and is now just a little dot to remind me of the fun times.

Here are some pictures for your enjoyment! I didn’t keep the original one that came out, so all in all, there was a total of about four inches of wood in my butt. Don’t worry, I wasn’t into it, I’m still into the ladies.

Splinters in HandSize Compared to Pocket KnifeLength of Splinters

Comments (14)

man!! why didn´t I know about this story!! pretty wild!!! haha

dude!!!!!!! i once had a splinter go under my nail !!!!! but nothing tht big!!!!!!

Oh my goodness! I remembered the story as it was happening bits and pieces here and there. Butt, hearing it all together, is amazing! My poor little Billers! That is crazy! I’m so glad it had a happy ending, and you will be back to just one butt hole as is intended! Love you and your comments. As usual only said as you could. 😀

Hahahaha that’s so funny… Thanks to the splinter !!

This would have been an awesome TDay story!

Dude, that is just amazing (and sickeningly cool).

holy cow. that is amazing!!

“4 inches of wood in my butt”, a phrase I personally have never used before and REALLY hoped I would never hear from my brother. But, besides that, a pretty awesome, crazy story. As you well know, I would have been at the doctor’s office within 5 minutes of the incident. You are definitely more hardcore than myself. Well done.

that s an awsome story billy! and nice swiss army knife!!! 😉

That is IMPRESSIVE. Good thing you recently developed a good posterior to house such a splinter. That might have killed you if it would have happened when you were “toothpick Billy”…..then again after this experience “toothpick Billy” might again be appropriate! Glad you survived!

Merriment. Nice.

Thanks for commenting on my awesomeness. And now I find myself at your blog after a long while and find this gem of story. Incredible!

And I’m happy to see you’re still living the good life, soaking it up in FL.

Sure thing! I loved the Wayne’s World reference. I was thinking, when checking out your blog, about your web design way back in the Dixie days. You did some real nice work. Do you still play around with design?

You can tell by my boring-looking blog that I don’t design much these days. Except my Relief Society Newsletter. Good thing I got a degree to be able to do that. 🙂

But it’s all good – I’m focusing on motherhood right now. Someday I’d love to get back into that stuff, but to everything there is a season, right?

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