Splinters and Passports


So I’m planning on going to Canada. It will be my first time leaving the continental 48 states. Sweet ay? It still may not happen though, and if it does, I may struggle to get back. Let me explain. I’ve never had a passport, and didn’t even think of documentation I’d need to get into the Great White North. So last week I ordered my birth certificate, then yesterday I signed up for a passport. I got it expedited, so I should get it within 3 weeks. I think I only need my license and birth certificate to get into Canada, but thanks to a new law as of 2 days ago, I may need a passport to get back in. So my plan is to have people here mail me the thing when it arrives.

We’ll see how that all pans out. I’m driving up there with Cam, my French-Canadian friend in a little, shoot, can’t remember, I think it’s a little Toyota something or other. I’m pretty sure it will be fine, but it’s a 24 hour drive. About the first 20 hours are up the US East coast. I plan on trying out a big ol’ Georgia peach.

Next on the docket is my butt. On Monday this week, I was shooting some hoops in the driveway of work, and I had a run in with the pole that is erecting the backboard and hoop and all that. The story at least starts out kinda cool, because I just recently started getting my legs back and I had a pretty good dunk. On the way down from the dunk, my right butt cheek slid down the wood 6×6 or whatever size pole it is. I took some of the pole with me.

Some good sized splinters made it through my shorts, and I couldn’t quite tell at the time if they made it inside of me too or not. I pulled some out of my shorts and went on with trying to be like Rex Chapman and all was well.

Later that night, after eating dinner, I was brushing my teeth and decided to check out the wound. There was a nice little hole (yes, I just made reference to a butt hole, but not that hole). I picked at it to see if there was anything in there, and a couple minutes later, tweezed out a splinter about twice the thickness of a toothpick and about a half inch long.

That was all fine and dandy, but probably 2 inches past that, I could feel another hard object about the same size deep under my skin. Apparently more wood got crammed way up in there (this is sounding more homo-erotic, not so cool) in my butt. Luckily it’s just the cheek, so no vital organs or veins or anything.

Now it’s a couple days later, and it hurts a bit there. I should probably go to a doctor, but I’ve got weak insurance, and I’m curious to see what my body will do to try to get rid of that thing.

So in a few days I’m off to Canada with some wood in my butt cheek and no passport. Sweet!

Comments (4)

Bummer. (HA! See what I did there?!)

I’ve done similarly asinine things (exhibit a) and it took a while for it al to heal up.

Have fun in Canada, eh. Got wild northern plans?

Hahaha… yeah, that does sound kinda homoerotic. Sorry that you got a splinter crammed in your butt. Hopefully your Canada thing works out and you don’t get stuck up there… not that that would be too bad a thing with what’s going on down here these days.

Wow Billy. You were almost “rammed in the bunshole.”

Parlez-vous francaise? non?

Good luck

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